Love at will.

A moment ago Adisson approached me and told me she was ready for bed.  I lifted her up in my arms and she asked if I would sing a song to her.  She recited a lyric from the song to me and I obliged her request (it's a song we sing together a lot).  I paced the hallway (so as to not to wake up little sister already asleep in the room) and sang the song as softly as I could.  Then I remembered when Adisson was a newborn and I held her in the same manner in my arms.  I remembered bringing her to church and thanking God to tears for my Adisson as we sung a hymn.  Now my little girl is turning 6-years-old soon and as you can imagine, my 5' 1" frame will not be able to carry my dear girl as long as I used to.  Tears streamed down my face as I struggled to finish her lullaby.

Adisson. Meaning: Made in God's Image. Esther. Meaning: Victorious.

Curious crawler.

Right now I consider it a privilege that my children want to be with me ALL the time.  Whenever I leave the house, whether it is to go grocery shopping, to tutor, or to spend much needed girl-time with other Moms, she always calls out to me from her bedroom window with, "Don't take too lonnnnng!"  The other day she told me about all of the things she did the day prior- reading a book, brushing her teeth, watching the cooking show (Food Network)- and she finished her summary with "and I just wanted to do ALL of that with YOU."  It is loving confessions like that that makes me cherish this time.  Of course I have my moments where I'm irritable, I snap about not being the maid, or ask if they have a few bucks to pay for the food that they're not eating.  But hey, it happens to the best of us, right???  Aside from that, I earnestly try to grant as many "Mommy & Me" requests that Adisson has because I know very well that one day... when best friends and, Heaven help me, boy friends come along... Mommy & Me time may fade for a while.  Or it may not.  Either way, I won't leave it to fate to decide.  That is why every day I really try to genuinely show my kids that I value my time with them.  

Mommy & Me

Nearly 1.

"Here inside your presence, I'm taken by the wonder of You," I sing.  Adisson clings to me and rests her head on my shoulder.

2-year-old beauty.

Curly locks.

"Here inside your glory, we give our lives fully to You." She wraps her arms around me and squeezes.

Accomplished.

"Holy... Holy... are You." Her head heavies and she's fast asleep.  This is a moment I can mimic, but can never get back.

On the waterfront at 4.

I love my family.  I love my children.  When I was single I prayed for my future husband and children.  Now that I have them, I love them at will.

Strong. Leadership quality. Brave. 5.

Taste of Tuscan.

I just completed redecorating our master bedroom and I can finally say that I'm at peace with the look.  The room is dressed in a Tuscan style with colors reminiscent of the sun, floral fabric, antique furniture respectfully marked with wood carvings.  Romantic, yet rustic.  Fashionable, yet functional.

Tuscan Master Bedroom

Vanity inherited from Keenan's grandmother.

I was inspired by an evening on the Home Goods website reading decor tips and watching their designer secrets videos.  I ended up taking a "Find My Style" quiz courtesy of their site and this was my result: "You value creativity. You are stylish and fun loving, and can be an inspiration to others. You have a natural sense of drama, and you know you have to be willing to take risks." UM, kind of scary how accurate that is to who I am. It was just a decorating quiz!  Now back to my decorating discovery...

In the days following I took local trips to design-on-a-dime stores like Home Goods, Kirkland's, and my beloved Marshalls.  I walked down every aisle (my kids practically fell asleep in the cart) waiting for the right piece to catch my eye and often walked out without a single purchase to award my time.  Then I found the perfect chair at Kirkland's, originally $129, on sale for $79, limited time sale for $59.  I also got satin brown ruffled pillows on clearance for $8.97 plus additional 30% off.  My floor rug was found at Costco on Instant Manufacturer's Rebate from $12.99 down to $8.99 and my quilt comforter was purchased yearrrrsss ago from Costco and is conveniently "reversible" from light brown to off-white.  So I flipped the thing over.

The perfect chair.

Ruffled pillows and overturned quilted comforter.

Floral rug.

The rest of the room fell together on the same whim.  We purchased furniture from Keenan's aunt who moved to North Carolina.  The furniture was compliments of her cabin and purchased for garage-sale prices (you can't beat that).  Among the items are a Tiffany lamp and dresser drawers.  Of course I do not exclude my husband in my decorating.  I let him set up his SF Giants bobbleheads on top of our new dresser.

Tiffany lamp.

Cabin dresser.

A touch of Keenan.

Tuscan, villa inspired surroundings.  Rustic and somehow romantic.  Energetic, sun-worthy colors. Fashionable, functional to every day living.  I feel like I've tailored our master bedroom to suit our lives.

The Good Life.

Take a piece of paper and pen.  Draw a line down the middle.  Label one side "Good" and the other side "Bad."  On the "Good" side write down all the things in your life that make you happy.  On the "Bad" side write down all the things in your life that piss you off.  If the good outweighs the bad then you've got a lot to be grateful for and maybe a lot that's been taken for granted.  If the bad outweighs the good, then reevaluate how those things can be shifted around so that you can be a happier person. 

Sound like a juvenile task?  Maybe.  But it could very well be a task that can change your paradigm for the better.  

In the last few months I've noticed that when it comes to saying something good about someone, for example, my husband (for example's sake), it's difficult for me to name specifics.  I would say, "my husband is the best," but seldom elaborated on the why.  On the other hand, when my husband and I got into a spat, all sorts of specifics came spewing out of my mouth on why he wasn't so much "the best" (oh, you know, the usual... lack of help with the laundry, the dishes, my envy that he had time to sit on the couch and watch sports while I juggled pots and pans).  I think everyone benefits from words of affirmation here and there.  Unfortunately I was only affirming possible shortcomings of my spouse.  Love isn't supposed to keep a record of wrongs.

I've been putting a lot of effort into thinking positively about my husband.  And not just him, but people in general.  Let's go back to my earlier stated example, my husband.  Keenan enjoys cooking breakfast.  Of all meals he is most invested in breakfast because it's the jump start to the day.  He knows that I do not share his zeal for early morning tasks, so he will make a HUGE batch of waffles (a little crispy just the way I like them) or hash browns (browned perfectly the way I have to have them) & eggs sunny side up (my preference) so that for that morning, and the morning thereafter... and the morning thereafter... I have at my leisure a fully loaded breakfast in the fridge waiting for me so that I don't have to cook.  

Specific enough?  Yes, my husband is truly my best.

One side "Good" and the other side "Bad."  We always get to choose how we handle ourselves in every given situation.  I choose to handle life by focusing on what is good.

Keenan surprised me with Date Night.  AT&T Park. Row 1; Seat 1.

NOT what Keenan had in mind when he brought his glove.

Capacity of a Friend.

The need for companionship doesn't leave as you get older; it grows.  It's our nature as human beings to rely on someone to nurture us in some shape or form and it's a cycle that occurs during infancy, grade school, high school, college, and later into our occupations.  The older you get the more confident you come.  The more confident you become the more tendency that doubt will try to fill your mind into believing that you are no better than what you were.  Sometimes we are tricked into believing that we have to act a certain way, be a certain way, or have a certain type of attention in order to be considered a friend.  Feeling left out or doubtful that we are good enough to be someone's friend is part of trickery. 

One night I had a dream that I was conversing with a woman about all of my past friendships.  I told her all sorts of justifiable reasons why I wasn't friends with these people any more.  She just looked at me and responded, "well, you had your part in it too."  The dream ended there and I woke up in a morning glory of irritation.  What was this lady talking about?  She didn't know the history behind it all!  She didn't know what that person said to me.  Plus, it was just a dream, this woman wasn't even real!  Why was this upsetting me?

The frustration forced me to rethink my friendships, past and present.  To look back at times of conflict, how I handled it, and what the end result was.  I began to see that I was treating my friends like they're possessions.  Like, if they were friends with me, especially best friends, then we should always include each other on everything we did, particularly whatever we did with other people.  I want people to include me in events even if I know I can't be there.  It's only polite, right?  And when minor or major tiffs arose, I avoided that person altogether and became unreachable via FB, text, and phone call.  I sounded high-maintenance and who wants a friend that's high-maintenance?  Not me. 

I confided all of this to a dear friend who told me, "Meryl, you are fun and a joy to be around.  Be audibly grateful for your friends and that they have the capacity to love you for who you are and to love others."  She insisted I say it as often as it takes until I believe it to be the norm.  Wow, you mean my husband, my family, and my friends have the capacity to have friendships with others without it stipulating our relationship?  That's a true friend.  

A good friend is someone who is there for you when things are bad, 

happy for you when things are good, 

and a phone call away for all the moments in between.

Lost is Found.

Six years ago, on Jan. 7, 2006, Keenan and I were pronounced Man and Wife.  One day after our wedding, Keenan lost his wedding ring.  It was a Sunday and we were driving in his car the moment he realized the precious metal was missing from his newly dedicated finger. Keenan pulled over and searched every garment he had on and the entire vehicle for the ring.  That night and days after, he searched our home, our car, and his mother's house.  He stripped the upholstery out of the car, checked the trunk, and took apart the seat belt contraption.  He even searched the area with a borrowed metal detector.  But it was lost.  One day after our wedding, my husband lost his wedding ring.

Six years later, to the very day that the ring was lost- Sunday- Keenan and I were at church.  As a community, our church has been declaring 2012 to be a year of Jubilee (based on Leviticus 25:8-22 and Luke 4:16-22).  Among the declarations, we prayed "what has been lost would be recovered." The very next day Keenan was at work when a co-worker approached and said, "a buddy of yours is outside and said he wants to talk to you."  Keenan walked out of the office to find his cousin, Adriel, waiting for him.  They shook hands and as Keenan took his hand away, a precious piece of metal fell into his grasp- his wedding ring.  A while back we sold Adriel the very car we were driving when Keenan lost his ring.  During the restoration process, Adriel pulled out the upholstery and found within it Keenan's wedding ring.

PRAISE GOD!

"What has been lost would be recovered."

See His Love.

A while back I had a vision.  It was unexpected as I had just laid down for bed and was ready for a good night's rest.  I closed my eyes and ever so suddenly I saw Jesus Christ at the time just before His crucifixion on the cross.  He was walking through a crowd of jeering hecklers and I was right there beside Him.  Although there was so much chaos happening around us, I could see and physically feel a circle of peace hovering around us.  I felt the impression that in His presence, I am protected.  He proceeded to walk towards the cross.  I couldn't speak as the moment terrified me, but my eyes pleaded that He stay with me.  Then He took my hands and said, "I have to... because you deserve this love."  The vision was so much to bear that I opened my eyes.

A favorite holiday tune of mine is "I won't forget this Christmas" by Plus One. A lyric I am reminded of is "I won't forget this Christmas that I am nothing without You."  In the midst of holiday shopping, caroling, and wrapping, I generally try not to forget what matters most about this season and the essence of it's existence: the birth of Jesus Christ.  But that vision I had is so embedded into my heart and mind that my love and compassion has transformed from a seasonal feeling to an internal part of my identity. 

Psalm 139:14

A day after I wrote "Insecure Rut" I pulled out my 4-year-old's book for Cubbies.  Cubbies is a preschool group under the Awana Club where children participate in art activities, play games, hear puppet stories, and learn about God.  Every week little cubbies have the opportunity to earn patches for their vests by reciting a memory verse.  This week's verse:

"I am wonderfully made."  Psalm 139:14

My confidence and faith is already rising by the simple recitation of this verse. 

Thanks, Cubbies!

Cubbie: Adisson